Chapter 235

Chapter 235 – So Frail

Shine joined me, and we crossed the fields aimlessly.

“You’re strangely calm in some ways, yet like a child in others, unable to control your emotions. Let’s walk first.”

It was a journey with no set direction, just going wherever our feet took us.

A stark contrast to before, when we’d at least vaguely headed toward “the Decullan side.”

I silently followed behind Shine.

Why?

Because I could sense something from his words.

I’d known it myself—my emotions fluctuated wildly whenever Decullan got involved, something I hadn’t realized in my past life.

We kept walking like that. When we got hungry, we ate. When we got sleepy, we’d lie down anywhere in the fields and sleep.

Night and day lost all meaning, but that was possible because both of us had long surpassed the point where mere walking tired our bodies.

As we walked, I naturally came to one realization.

‘Even just walking can be this hard.’

Walking itself wasn’t the issue.

It was suppressing the sudden urges to run or sprint while doing it.

Whenever the impulse hit, my shoulders would twitch involuntarily, and without fail, Shine’s voice would ring in my ears.

“Empty your mind. Focus only on walking.”

Shine was like an ascetic monk performing the pilgrimage of walking.

He stepped forward one foot at a time with a seriousness I’d never seen before, and watching him, a thought suddenly struck me.

Right now, Shine was trying to teach me something.

So, what was it?

‘The right way to walk?’

The idea crossed my mind briefly, but seeing him walk like a monk, it didn’t seem like it was just about walking.

More like… what should I call it?

“I said empty your mind.”

Tch, so damn picky.

I focused solely on walking again.

There was no more conversation after that.

When Shine took a step, I took one too. When one of us sat and lay down, the other did the same without a word.

Sometimes we ate like that, or while walking.

After a few days like this, no thoughts came to me at all.

In other words, I no longer wanted to run or sprint.

That’s when Shine asked me.

“Have you emptied it a little?”

“Not a little. I’m burning waste with magic anyway. My guts are completely empty right now.”

“……Let’s walk.”

We walked again.

It didn’t take long for Shine to ask again.

“Emptied it? If you bring up your guts again, I’ll pull them out and check myself. Think carefully and answer.”

His sharp tone made me ponder deeply.

What was I supposed to empty?

As my response dragged on, Shine stared at me silently for a moment before resuming his steps.

I followed behind without protest.

The night sky over the fields, devoid of any artificial light, was breathtakingly beautiful.

The stars rippled across it as if they’d pour down any second, and the moon was vast and wide, like my heart.

And around then, anger began to rise within me.

“Emptied it?”

I answered without hesitation.

“No.”

“Tell me how you feel.”

“Fucking shitty.”

“Can you explain why it’s shitty?”

Of course I could.

There were plenty of shitty reasons.

“Vacation’s shorter than I thought. And how many days have we wasted in this damn field already? What’s the point of all this walking bullshit? We should be storming Decullan right now and smashing their skulls, not fucking around like this. If you were trying to train my mind, you misjudged me. I was disciplined from the start. If you think a transcendent archmage lacks mental discipline, go shake hands with a goblin on the road. It’ll probably greet you like kin. Then I’ll grab you and your buddies and sell you to the monster arena—”

“Let’s walk. As for why… think about what you just blabbered. That’s your reason.”

Shine said that and walked on, showing no sign of irritation.

I glared at the back of his head, seething with rage. But in the end, I had no choice but to follow.

Just as he said, ‘my words’ were the reason for walking.

Because even I hadn’t expected such intense emotions to spill out of me.

A day later, Shine asked again.

This time, the question was a bit different.

“How do you feel now?”

“A little shitty.”

“Not much, then. Let’s walk.”

Another day passed.

“How do you feel now?”

“Today’s a lot shitty.”

“Still impatient? Worried vacation will end?”

“Yeah.”

“Funny. You left without a thought for what’s behind you, yet you worry about vacation. Wasn’t your original plan to wander for a decade?”

“Good point. Makes me want to punch you.”

“Then let’s walk.”

Another day passed like that.

On a night with a full moon, Shine silently sat down and gestured for me to sit across from him.

Was it the moonlight?

Vampire trait… no, those red eyes—whether because he was a vampire or because he was Shine, I wasn’t sure.

Anyway, the red pupils gleamed with life.

As I focused on those probing eyes, Shine asked again.

“Emptied it?”

“Dunno.”

“How do you feel?”

“No particular thoughts.”

“No anger?”

I thought it over.

“Not sure. Feels like I’m angry, but also not. Been angry so long I’m numb, or maybe I’ve emptied my mind.”

“Doesn’t feel emptied?”

“Definitely not.”

Why?

My mind was calmer than yesterday, but the boiling flame inside hadn’t fully subsided.

It was a strange state.

Felt angry, but not.

As I sorted through this odd feeling, Shine’s voice drilled into my ear.

“Now you’re ready to talk.”

“Am I?”

“Yes. The first day, you didn’t even know your own emotions properly. After that, they dragged your reason away. But today, you know your emotions and have your reason intact. That’s impressive.”

“I am pretty impressive.”

Shine ignored my quip and asked.

“Why were you angry?”

“Why angry… Got a lot of grudges? Maybe. Or maybe a heart demon. Just, Decullan pisses me off extra.”

“Then Decullan’s the problem?”

“Of course… Hm.”

I started to say ‘of course’ but shut my mouth.

Why? If Decullan was the problem, everyone on the eastern continent would have bile disease.

The name of the continent’s top magic family, Decullan, was widely known. If it was really the issue, anyone who knew it would suffer chronic rage.

“Same sight, yet some feel at peace, others don’t. Who’s the problem, then?”

“Definitely you, always.”

“Quit the bullshit.”

“……It’s me.”

Shine nodded at my answer.

“Yes, you’re the problem. So what about Decullan makes you so angry? I heard—Black-White Slums kids got killed by Decullan trash. Was that why?”

“That… Hmm.”

I thought again.

Was that really why I was angry now?

The answer came easily.

“Doesn’t seem so. Those kids… they were just the spark on the fuse. My anger at Decullan was already there.”

“Then why head to Decullan now? For them? Or for you?”

I thought again.

The answer wasn’t hard.

“Neither.”

“Why not?”

Simple reason.

“If it was for the kids, I wouldn’t care about my own safety. But it’s not for me either… Clashing with Decullan now does me no good.”

“Yet here you are on this path. Why?”

“…….”

For a moment, it felt like Shine had smashed a hammer into my head.

Come to think of it, why was I on this path?

First off, surging anger wasn’t reason enough.

If I charged in whenever angry, I’d have been buried underground long ago, part of nature.

“Think slowly. The night is long.”

“True, nights have gotten longer lately.”

Shine ignored me again.

Anyway, I sank into thought.

Why did I take this path? Why charge at Decullan knowing it was reckless?

‘Confidence from transcendence? No, not that.’

Then why?

I questioned myself, dissecting my emotions bit by bit, touching fragments I hadn’t noticed.

And suddenly.

I realized one fact.

“Figured it out?”

“……Probably.”

“What was it?”

“Not sure if this answers it… Reason for this path is still unclear. But I know the trigger.”

As Shine’s deep eyes held me, I calmly voiced the ‘trigger’ I’d thought of.

“I saw the future.”

“The future?”

“Yeah, not sure how many years ahead, but people around me died because of me and Decullan. You survived, but a lot died.”

“Won’t ask if it was certain. So?”

“So…….”

Here, I had to admit something I didnid not want to.

Why did that future make me act so hastily?

The reason was clear.

“I… was scared.”

“Of what?”

“…….”

After a brief silence to steel myself, I voiced the fact I’d never admitted—from past life to now.

What I feared… was none other than.

“Decullan.”

“…….”

“I was scared of Decullan.”

And still am.

Scared of being left alone again, like in my past life.

The killing intent, hatred, all other emotions boiling toward Decullan… were just like a frightened dog barking—mere defense mechanisms to protect myself.

So I…

“……was such a frail person.”

Yeah, that was it.

Feeling like crying, I looked up at the sky.

Shine’s voice came right then.

“If you want to cry, cry. The one who sheds tears isn’t weak. The one who ignores fear is. In that sense, you’re strong enough.”

I looked at the night sky and smiled faintly.

……I feared Decullan.

And being left alone.

But why?

The moment I admitted it, paradoxically, my fear of Decullan melted away like snow, scattering somewhere.

My mind felt much lighter.

Shine’s voice came right then.

“Now, let’s go to Decullan. You seem ready.”

I nodded.

But one thing to clear up first.

“I don’t take orders from someone weaker than me.”

“…….”

“No matter how frail I am, I’m definitely stronger than you. Say it once—‘parasite, parasite, parasite.’”

“……You fucking—”

Suddenly, a thwack! and a flash before my eyes.

Stars burst across the sky, sword lights flashed, magic bloomed.

But not a bad feeling—

“Argh! Bones! My bones!”

……I definitely didn’t lose.

We fought with fists.

For real.