Chapter 195

Chapter 195: What I Wanted to Do Most

What I Wanted to Do Most
Chapter 195. What I Wanted to Do Most

Every time she met Ferda, Valdrova thought:
That she wanted to be alone, just the two of them.
They always met as a pair, but it was never completely just the two of them.
Ruri always got in the way.
She said to consider her a folding screen, but how could that even be possible?
There were many times she was grateful that Ruri was by her side.
Whenever they had trouble finding conversation topics, Ruri would throw them out one after another, and thus they could keep talking.
But she truly needed time alone with Ferda.
Even if both of them hesitated, she wanted to overcome it with time on their side.
At this moment, she was approaching the time alone that she had occasionally dreamed of.
‘Though the situation is hardly suitable.’
They were trapped in a secret room, and Ferda was in immense pain.
Was there nothing she could do?
Valdrova wiped his sweat with the handkerchief she had prepared.
When he raised his head, she feared he would scream, but fortunately, he did not.
Instead, he began to say something.
— Are you…
He spoke.
— The type to keep their mouth shut?
Me?
Keep my mouth shut?
It was the first time he had asked a question.
‘The type to keep their mouth shut?’
I do not know.
Many people come and tell me their stories.
At first, I wondered if they were consulting with me, but they simply poured everything out unilaterally and walked away with refreshed expressions.
‘Isn’t that a form of therapy, in a way?’
I do not know how to define it, but that is not important right now.
Valdrova responded for the moment.
……Nod, nod.
— Right… You said you spent several months here without speaking to anyone… so it must be burdensome.
He knew quite a bit about me.
The fact that he was not completely indifferent made me happy.
That joy did not last long.
— Honestly, I did not like you.
…….
— When you rejected the knight position and said you would live as a laborer, I only thought you were plotting some scheme.
…….
— However, those suspicions were brief. You were not that kind of person.
The Armored Knight raised her head.
Did he recognize her appearance?
However, Ferda’s gaze did not stem from positive feelings at all.
Eyes close to disillusionment wounded her.
— And… I apologize.
?
— I shouted loudly at you. That was not something to do to someone who cared about you.
She nodded.
Valdrova also understood.
Because she firmly believed that Ferda was not that kind of person.
Ferda swallowed the hesitation on his lips and continued.
— It could not be helped. For some reason… your figure kept overlapping with hers.
?
— My fiancée, that is.
!
Valdrova was startled.
She had thought she was acting as manly as possible.
Although Ruri had said, ‘It looks like playing house that children play,’ she believed others were not that perceptive.
Could it be that Ferda had known all along?
Seeing Valdrova’s reaction, Ferda exhaled a breath of air.
— Right, it is a strange thing. How her figure shows in someone like you.
…….
— But lately, this has happened often. Do you remember that High Elf?
Nod, nod.
— To the point where I felt the presence of my fiancée in her, no, in him too.
Ah.
That is quite disappointing…
Valdrova fiddled with her fingers and focused on Ferda’s face.
Ferda continued speaking.
— The reason I am telling you this… is because I feel I will die if I do not utter these words even now.
It does not matter.
She thought anything was fine as long as it had an effect.
— Although it does not look like it.
The only things returning were pitiful news.
— My Circle is… reaching its limit.
…….
— I have two Circles in my body. Their names differ, but both are things forged from my emotions.
Ferda placed a hand over his Danjeon.
— The Red Circle is dangerous enough to kill if it stops. But leaving it out of control is even more dangerous.
…….
— Right now, one of them is spinning violently.
She was restless.
How could she help him?
Ferda’s eyes turned toward Valdrova.
His whole body seemed at a loss for how to respond.
Paradoxically, that very appearance allowed him to continue speaking comfortably.
— Trauma… that thing seems to show a human what they fear most, what they regret.
…….
— Do you know what I saw in that Trauma?
His throat choked up once, wondering if he should say this.
But in the end, he let it out.
— That person… tearing out her own heart and handing it to me.
Valdrova’s restless fingers stopped.
Her heart felt like it stopped.
Was that horrifying illusion what had tormented him so much?
— The most terrifying and regrettable thing for me was that vision.
Why?
Valdrova desperately swallowed that question.
I never tore out my heart, nor did I do something so painful…
‘In the end… it happened because of me.’
Her chest tightened.
As tight as it was, Ferda’s breathing grew more irregular.
— I have a feeling that today might be the end.
Valdrova found that appearance of Ferda terribly unfamiliar.
This was a side of Ferda that he did not show her.
Nor a side he showed to the public.
She thought Ferda was an incredibly strong human.
The things he did striking with his hands were wonderful, and people admired him.
She thought worries were merely hurdles he could lightly jump over.
But she was mistaken.
In the end, Ferda was also a human who could break one day.
Something spun violently in Ferda’s lower abdomen.
Even while speaking, the shadows spun the Shadow Circle on their own.
He groaned on the bed, pain twisting his insides.
— Uugh… Aah… —he groaned.
The moment it reached its peak, all the pain vanished.
A new layer stacked beneath Ferda’s Danjeon, accumulating just like that.
The moment the knot was tied, Ferda felt it clearly.
— Eugh…! —he exclaimed.
That terrifying emotion was not resolving; rather, it was trying to dig into Ferda’s heart.
It was trying to repeat its future, wandering in aimless anger and hatred.
Ferda’s will was firm.
— Just once…
Instead of becoming a monster, I will remain human.
— I wanted to utter that name again…
Ferda leaned his body forward and placed a hand over his chest.
His vision blurred, falling to the ground.
Squeezing out his remaining mental strength to gather mana for suicide.
— Eleanor…
— No! —she cried out.
A clear voice stopped Ferda.
The figure of the Armored Knight was the last thing his vision caught.
She was running toward him.
The difference was that, as if tearing out from a discarded pupa, her contents burst forth.
Those contents were a deep red.
— Ferda-ssi! —she exclaimed.
A beautiful and familiar voice pierced his ears.
It was Valdrova’s.
But he did not believe it.
This voice would turn into a man’s voice once again.
— I am here! —she said.
Ferda’s leaning body was supported by a soft sensation.
What he felt against his skin was a sweet fragrance.
If this was real, Ferda was doing something incredibly embarrassing and irreverent at that moment: burying his face in her chest.
— I am here… so please, do not suffer anymore…! —she pleaded.
She pleaded with a voice on the verge of tears.
No matter how much time passed, the dream did not intend to wake up.
Ferda’s hazy eyes looked at Valdrova.
Red hair, golden eyes, two pairs of horns.
No matter how many times he blinked, the form remained the same.
— My light… Eleanor.
— Yes, I am here.
— How are you here…? —he asked.
— Well… because I have been here from the very beginning.
— Here from the beginning, what…
Ferda did not believe such nonsense.
The answer he could barely gather with his barely maintained sanity was this.
‘Is that so… am I dreaming right now?’
He wondered if he was being subjected to the Trauma.
Yet strangely, there was no feeling of a nightmare.
Normally, he would have to come to his senses immediately.
Yet ironically, Ferda’s reason screamed at him to stay like this.
Because of that illusion, the heart that the Shadow Circle was trying to devour was returning completely to him.
Like the warmth of finding a warm cabin on a snowy mountain after being stranded.
‘If I will not regret it even like this…’
Why not follow my desire?
Then there might be a shred of possibility.
Ferda carefully pulled back from that embrace and stood up.
Moist golden eyes, more beautiful than any jewel.
— Eleanor.
— Yes.
— Eleanor…….
— Yes, y-yes…….
Ferda repeated her name.
Valdrova tried to lower her head in embarrassment.
— You cannot.
At the sensation of a hand touching her cheek, Valdrova was startled.
Ferda raised his hand and forcefully lifted her face.
— Show me your face.
— N-no…….
— Then please, try to resist.
Valdrova was the Power Phase.
If she put her mind to it, she could shake Ferda off at any moment.
Valdrova did not resist.
No, she could not.
Those eyes, which seemed intoxicated with something.
Just looking at them made her entire body feel like stone.
Furthermore, her heart was beating so hard that she was busy trying to calm it down.
Her body moved obediently in Ferda’s hand.
Seeing that, Ferda was convinced once again.
— As expected, this is not reality.
— But I am real…….
Valdrova insisted with a sound like that of a sick chick.
Yet seeing that, Ferda smiled faintly.
— That is why…… I feel a bit relieved. If you were real, I would not be able to touch you like this.
“Is that…… a relief?”
Since Ferda said so, she supposed it was.
— Eleanor. There is something I am curious about.
— Y-yes?
— The name I gave you…… do you not like it?
— T-that is…… um…….
Valdrova shifted.
— Actually…… when Ferda-ssi calls me like that, I feel strange…….
— Then…… would it be better if I do not call you by that name when we meet again?
Valdrova could not answer.
She could not speak easily, feeling her stomach churn instead of words.
Instead, she shook her head vigorously.
— I see. Understood.
— …….
— Will you show me your face?
He forcefully lifted the face that she was covering with her hands.
A face flushed bright red, tightly pressed lips, and two eyes.
Ferda felt his emotions boil as he looked upon it.
“It is spinning.”
Ferda’s Red Circle, which the Shadow Circle had tried to erode.
It was spinning vigorously.
“If not now…… I will not be able to balance it.”
Even if it is an illusion, the fact that I love her does not change.
Ferda decided to seize this momentum.
— Eleanor.
— Yes.
— What I saw from the Trauma…… was you tearing out your heart and giving it to me.
— M-my, my heart, you mean?
— Yes……. Right here…….
Ferda’s empty hand rose and touched Valdrova’s skin.
— Right here, you…… to me…….
— Hic!
At the daring touch she would never normally allow, a hiccup escaped her.
With a hand on her chest, Valdrova’s head spun.
She wanted to run.
She wanted to smash that door right now and flee far away.
But then Ferda-ssi would not escape this space, so she had to endure.
Ferda did not withdraw his hand.
His index finger felt the pulse of her chest and he smiled weakly.
— Your heart…… is beating. Vigorously.
— Y-yes, beating, beating, beating……!
— Eleanor, Eleanor…….
— Yes, yes!
— I am glad I was able to confirm this.
— I-is that so……?
— I was afraid you would lose your heart.
At the comfortable tone, Valdrova was able to set aside her embarrassment briefly.
— Does it not hurt anymore?
— No. It still hurts.
— Huh? Why?
— Because of you.
— Y-yes!? Then there is a problem…….
— It is fine. It is not a bad pain.
The Shadow Circle stops, and the Red Circle above it pulses.
— Right now, it is spinning thanks to you.
— Spinning…… you say?
— This heart that loves you…… is spinning like this at this moment.
— T-that is true…….
— Do you want to feel it?
— Yes. ……Yes?
Before the question of what that meant could be resolved,
Ferda carefully took Valdrova’s hand.
His slender and warm hand guided Valdrova’s hand.
— Can you feel it?
Carefully, he brought the hand toward the Danjeon area.
Valdrova’s face flushed bright red, and she stammered.
Though through several layers of clothing, Valdrova clearly felt it.
That rough thing spinning inside Ferda’s body flowed into her fingers.
Valdrova realized she had swallowed the Forbidden Fruit.
She did not know what to call this, but this action was making her heart race to an unbearable degree.
“What should I call this?”
“Love?”
“If this is called love, then love is a ruthless violence, an unbearable calamity.”
Boom—!
Finally, her head exploded.
Her tongue twisted, and language faded away.
— Eleanor.
— Y-yes, y-yes…….
— I have imagined you endlessly, but this is the first time it has spun this much.
— T-that is t-true……!
— Amazing. Every time I feel it…… but even so.
Anyway, Ferda continued.
— Hatred and anger, those two always tormented me. Lingering regrets also torment me.
Blue eyes would not let Valdrova go.
— But this moment is different.
He said.
— You complete me.
Valdrova could understand what that meant.
Because she too often felt that way when she was with Ferda.
— Eleanor.
— Y-yes……?
— Could you grant me a request?
— What……?
— When I saw that face of yours, there was something I wanted to do.
A face flushed bright red.
What did he want to do to that face she wanted to hide, worried that her flaws would show?
— I was afraid that you would hate me terribly, that I would defile something so pure, so I could not bring myself to do it.
— F-Ferda-ssi…….
It is already so unbearable, what else does he want to do?
Valdrova did not know what he intended.
Yet she caught a glimpse of something.
His moist eyes and lips that shone alongside them.
Those lips seemed incredibly soft and beautiful.
Her heart, which had been beating wildly, calmed beyond its limit.
It was a different dimension from the heartbeats of a few moments ago.
Ferda did not wait for Valdrova’s consent.
Valdrova neither resisted nor refused either.
She moved as instinct guided her.
She raised her head to meet his face and closed her eyes.
The sensation of Ferda’s hands on both cheeks.
Her empty lips tingled.
And just like that, he,
— Huh……?
He grabbed both of Valdrova’s cheeks.
Wondering what he would do, he only pressed them with his thumbs.
Like kneading rice cakes.
— F-fe, Ferda-ssi?
— Yes.
— W-what…… is this?
— It is what I wanted to do.
His eyes shone with purity.
— I always wanted to touch your two cheeks.
— Mmm……?
“What is this?”
“What Valdrova expected was definitely in a different dimension from this.”
“It should have been something bolder, not stepping on stairs but clearing them in a single leap.”
Yet she could not bring herself to say that.
— They are squishy, hehe…….
Ferda’s expression was more comfortable than ever.
One could not be angry at a smiling face, and seeing that face, language faded once more.
If she opened her mouth, unsightly babblings would surely come out.
Meanwhile, that which was spinning roughly in Ferda’s body began to stabilize.
It settled into an even larger and softer sphere.
As the form was completed, the sanity he had barely maintained collapsed.
Valdrova carefully leaned him back against her chest.
Stroking his head, she whispered.
— Good…… job.
Seeing his comfortable appearance, her heart also grew lighter.
Ferda’s sleeping face looked like that of a baby.
Wouldn’t it be right to let him sleep a little longer?
She wanted to spend a little more time alone, but that wish was not granted.
The door that had not budged opened again.